Writer's Indigestion #2 - What Dreams May Come

“He pushed away the pain so much that he disconnected himself from the person he loved the most. “

Trigger Warning.

So take two of trying to find the will to live. This week on episode 2 of Writer’s Indigestion, self-sabotage. I’m currently on an emotional high at the moment and using the manic energy to push this out. Today I woke up and didn't instantly remember that I’m an orphan. The moment I did remember, I felt so ashamed of myself for feeling better that I contemplated taking all my aspirin. There is a scene from Good Will Hunting that keeps repeating in my head, “I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll be fifty”. It's a brilliant quote that expresses how fast life can change for better or for worse. Life is so empty now that my mom is gone.

A Break From Comics…

Art By Ian Waryanto of Dragons of Avalon

In my current financial state, comics are too hard to make and I'm sure that the situation for most. I won't be able to fulfill my obligation to the publisher and all of my emails havent received a response so I suppose that's it for me. I can barely keep my head above water, and with the country on fire and my mental state in the trash I have to do everything I can just to survive. When I can dissociate hard enough, I think about starting a fantasy or horror narrative podcast like Lore or the Black Tapes. I still want to create, I still want to write. It feels like such a disservice to my mom to jump off a bridge, but between grief and impostor syndrome, other options just don't seem attractive. Finding healthy outlets leads me to procrastination, which interferes with the small job that I'm trying real hard to keep. I promise one day that this won't be a depression soapbox.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

Survivors Remorse

I miss my mom. My mom's favorite thing was music. She was an expert, a connoisseur of sound who had taste that bridged Bobby Womack to Luciano Pavarotti. If any part of her is left with me, it's her music taste. We shared a love for the guitar; blues, bass, lead, it didn't matter. She introduced me to Eric Clapton, and I’ve been head over heels for strings all my life. The other day I heard Jackie Venson’s “Rollin On” and my first thought was, “I have to show moma this, she’d love it.” That was a bad day. The last song that my mom and I enjoyed together was Black Leaves by Kirby.

Bella Ramsey Is Awesome

Ellie

So the second season of The Last of Us is rolling out, and I really like this show. It's one of my favorite current series; mainly because Bella Ramsey is awesome. Bella gives the show a heavier feel through her performance. The first game made Joel the adult who had to make the tough decisions, and Ellie was just trying to be a good daughter with a debatable bad influence.

In my opinion, the maturity of the characters in the second game took away from the weight of the story. However, I completely understand why it was done in all respects. But the show makes it more realistic. Ellie is barely out of childhood and is about to commit horrible acts for revenge. Bella matches that situation perfectly in all aspects. I do find the discourse surrounding the attractiveness of Ellie and Bella Ramsey to be repugnant. Debating over Bella’s performance just because you aren't attracted to her is fucking weird.

Mother's day is coming up so wish me luck.